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i am sorry, sweetheart. How are you holding up?Monday, 18 August 2008
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I Am Homeless
There Is Twist To My Current Story
There is more to my story. I need to tell you about this. I am not sure if I can tell you everything. I am still trying to figure this all out. I am not even exactly sure what is going on. You already know that I blew it. My friend gave me the opportunity to do ministry in California. I burnt down that bridge, that door, that chance. I made a bunch of mistakes. My bad. I understand that all this is my fault and all. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that I have been being a fool. Correct my bad grammar. I understand. I should of known better. But there is a twist to the story. And that is, I was innocent.
I am innocent.
My friend made the offer about seven months ago, in February. 'If you continue messing up then you will not get to go to California.' I should of known better. I was too innocent. I stopped listening. No way. I always listen. I try to listen, honest to my God. I mean, I do. I do not know what happened. Several times, I was late to meetings. My bad. No excuse. And I do not even try to defend myself. I mean, the older I get, the less I defend myself. I would be late. But I am so innocent in doing so.
One Tuesday, I was making my way back home for Bible Study, in Hawaii. I was out there socializing with the youth and homeless. I quickly hopped on a bus. I was told that most of the buses, in Honolulu, would transfer to Ala Moana Transit Center. I got lost. I had to get on several buses. And I got lost several times while in Hawaii. I should have knew better. I should of asked for direction. But I thought knew where was going.
And there are also a lot of other problems, too. I am learning to become more dependable, honest, consistent, reliable, trustworthy, caring, and all, now, but it seems to be too late now. I find it hard to apologize to my friends. I get distracted. I try to do too many things. I love people and all. I want to make a difference. But I let too many things stop me from reaching out like my Uncle Jimmy Williams, who has passed away. I have officially reached rock bottom at this point in my life. If you are reading this then you must know that I am very heart broken right now. I even called a girl ugly. And I feel that I cannot forgive myself from it. Especially since I started liking her and everything. And I am just broken in so many ways. And I will admit this. I would rather not let people see my heart full of these wounds. But I am hurting. And I feel like an idiot. Just a dork with broken glasses. I have had broken glasses for the past fourteen months, about. People still giggle, 'You need new glasses.' No duh, but I am unable. I have more important things to worry about, like where am I going to rest my head. I feel hurt by what people say. And I started thinking about suicide. But my older sister has been talking to me this weekend. And God has been whispering to me. And there are a lot of other people too, that have been daring me to get past this hole. My Hawaiian friend has inspired me to be strong. And I seem to have this support from others. Still, I messed up. Yet, the twist, of this story, makes this story worth contemplating. That is what I tell you. If you do not think about the twist to this story: then the story will twist you to make an unworthy conclusion. You need to know that I feel betrayed.
I feel betrayed!
I cannot tell you that I was betrayed by my friend in California, or by anybody. I have decided that I do not believe that I was betrayed or tricked. My friends do care about me. And they have made decisions. I am not sure if they made the best decisions. But they made logical decisions. I understand. And I forgive them. And I find it easier to forgive them all than to forgive myself. Now, I am being told not to beat myself up. I am forgiving myself. I am healing and all. But still, I feel betrayed. I understand what happened. I understand how I blew it, now. But it is too late now. I did not know all this before. I was officially told last Wednesday, August 13, 2008, I think, the same day that my uncle died. I mean, I was at a Bible retreat, during the third to the last day, when they told me. It should not have been the end of the world. I should of had a backup plan!
Why did I did not have a backup plan?
Because I was told not to. You can tell me if you think I should of knew better. But you need to know this. I was told that I would go to California. Obviously, I should of known that I was disqualifying myself from it. But I did not think that I could disqualify myself from it. Every time I messed up, I prayed that I would not do it again, but it kept happening. Nobody can trust a maniac like me, you can think. I should of had a backup plan, a plan b, you know. But I was scared. I would call my friend, write to my friend, and all. I told him that I was not sure if I was suppose to take his offer and go to California. He would then wonder why I would say such things or something. I was not exactly sure but I was pondering backup plans. But somehow, I was definite that I would go to California. Therefore, I had no backup plan. I mean, I was going to get some backup plans, and I almost got some, but my friend seem to take that as my way of saying 'I'm not committed, I do not want to do ministry in Long Beach, California, I am not even sure if I am your friend, or I am not ready yet for all of this or whatever.' It would seem that I was saying that.
I called him, once, stating that I was going to mess up more, and my friend told me how that is normal. Somehow, I fell in a trance, almost. He has desired to be that friend to the end, a mentor, a guide, and all. And I started believing all that. I mean, he was serious. He was not lying. But it almost seem like that. It seem too good to be true. And yet, I ended up disqualifying myself, somehow. And I have good reasons or excuses to all of this, and I could tell you more. And I want to tell you more. And I am still trying to figure out all of this. And I am trying to learn from all this and get past all this. And I want to get better. And I am trying to get better. And I am praying about all that and all. And I am still not sure exactly how I ended up in this hole. How can I be in this hole? Why was I this vulnerable? Why was I too busy? Why did I even go to Revolution Hawaii? Oh wait, that is a bad question. I needed Revolution Hawaii. I am not being sarcastic, ok. But at the same time, I wish that all this was not so hard. I have cried more in this past year then in my whole life. I have cried more in the last seven days then I have cried in my whole entire life, I think. And I have been spiritually growing more, during the last year, than ever before. But I still wonder. And can I trust people, now? I mean, I can if I follow through with my part of the deal, I suppose. But still, I wonder why I was incapable of understanding what my part of the deal was. And why did I not have backup plans? But I actually wanted some backup plans. I mean, I should of just told him that. I could of fixed this mess, too. Beyond that, I would not need backup plans if I did not disqualify myself from the first plan. But I have made myself to be untrustworthy, undependable, unreliable, and all that kind of faulty attributes.
I have ruined my life!
This weekend, during this reunion (and my uncle's funeral), I have felt so much pain. I have been encouraged, too, by family. But it gets worse. My grandmother, Skip, started teasing me about all this. She would tell me, "Joey, what are you going to do." I would calmly and sadly tell her nothing. "You should of planned ahead." I know that, I affirmed. "I do not understand you," she sighed and lightly laughed. My grandfather, age 81, seem unaware of my distress and hugged me goodbye, stating that "It is hard to keep track of you" because you never know what state I will be in next (the state of homelessness? Maybe). My grandmother just walked off without hugging me. I got really mad. She did wave goodbye. But these grandparents have never really seen us, hate my mom, and so much more. Yikes. maybe you don't understand. But at the same time, I did not want to be at the reunion. I felt like a fool at the reunion. I felt like I was so foolish for not having a plan. In other words, I planned to failed.
Get past those plans of failures!
My sister, Katie, told me to have perspective, to realize that there is a plan, there is a hope, and all. I know, I think. But at the same time, I am not sure if this was destiny. I guess I was suppose to be here, completely empty, like never before. But at the same time, I cannot even imagine what I have missed out on. I was dreaming of California. I mean, I wanted to go really badly. But I burnt those bridges. And worse off then that, I am telling the whole world about this. I feel like I am blackmailing myself right now. I cannot believe that I would let anybody know about all this. I would rather let you know that I am perfect or close to it. I mean, I do not want to deceive you or anything. But I want you to trust me and use me. And I was praying and crying during the last twelve days or so. I have been praying and tearing out prayers of urgency. I was praying, "God, make me depend on you more, empty me, give me a fire for you like nothing else, I want to live for you, and nobody else, I want to all this to count, I do not want to mess up any more, I do not want to hurt people any more!"
That was on my mind on Wednesday, August 13, 2008!
I was crying, that Wednesday, for my uncle, for disqualifying myself from doing ministry in California, but I was also crying for dependency. I am wanting doors to open like never before. And I am sick and tired of mediocrity. I am not going to be homeless. I am not going to let my life be ruined because of poor choices. I mean, it seems like I ruined my life. I often feel that way. I feel like people cannot take me serious or whatever. I feel like I have done much evil (even through, I am innocent). But I will fight, I will go and seek to be a hero to others!
Keep fighting with the fire of Jesus!
Reach out to others with the spirit of heroes!
Joseph Scott Arnold
503-367-4695
http://l4r.blogspot.com
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i am sorry, sweetheart. How are you holding up?
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